The Dart Board of Connection

This article from the Atlantic is such a beautiful representation of what I teach my clients as it relates to relationships with people ebbing and flowing throughout your life. As we talk through a short summary of the approach to relationship depth and personal availability to each relationship, please visualize a dart board-I call this “The Dart Board of Connection”. At the center of the dart board are your “ride or dies”… the most important people in your life with the deepest level of influence. On the external layer are acquaintances, those you know on a surface level, who have very little influence and whom you have minimal attachment to. The other circles in between vary in levels of depth, connection, respect, trust, support, time commitment and sphere of influence. There is so much joy to be found in our friend, family and romantic circles, but we struggle with change and these changes can give way to a very natural grief process. When things start to shift, we are not sure what to do with the information from the shift. There are so many questions that stem from the need for change and confusion ensues.

*Can I still trust them?

*Can I still be vulnerable with them?

*Do they still care about me?

*Do they still want good things for me?

*Can I still ask them for support?

*Do they still like me… do I still like them?

*Do they still respect me… do I still respect them?

I find that using the “Dart Board of Connection” can help to clarify the confusion that may occur. People may not stay in your “center ring” or your deepest level of influence for the whole of your life. They also do not deserve to be in your “center ring” just because they hold the title of someone you think SHOULD be in your center ring. Trust and influence are gained or lost over time based on who you are and who they are in the relationship. Each time someone moves out of our rings, it hurts. It’s a grief period and an adjustment for both people. The hope is that if they hold enough value in your life, this journey of change will make sense for both of you, and you will be able to remain committed to the relationship at its new level. New levels may be necessary due to a variety of reasons.

*Personal growth

*Changes in time availability

*Changes in interests

*Changes in phase of life

*Changes in belief systems

*A fracture in the relationship

Despite the reasons for change, clarifying why the friendship/relationship is changing does not always take the sting out of it. Give yourself time to process and come to terms with how your expectations and theirs may need to adjust based on their place on the “dart board of connection”. We cannot be all things to all people and having a general understanding of the level at which you value a relationship, and what that means for your investment in it, is very important to your contentment in your social circles. If you have some time, check out The Atlantic article below to read deeper into some of the research behind this approach.

Source: The Atlantic - https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/robin-dunbar-explains-circles-friendship-dunbars-number/618931/