The Key To Finding Your Voice

One of the common things I see in my office is a muted view of emotions, needs, wants and beliefs. These muted views lead to a muted woman. Finding your voice begins with having a better understanding of self, and ends with being confident enough to say what you think and feel. The next generation of young women is of particular concern to me because they are terrified to appear anything but perfect to those around them. They attempt to say the perfect thing, do the perfect thing and post the perfect pictures. If they cannot do it perfect or say it perfect, they simply don’t do it at all. This greatly limits every woman. She feels suffocated by expectation and devastated by her inability to be seen by others. She is engaging in the purest form of isolation… living without a voice.

There are a few techniques I use in my office to help my clients begin to find their voice again. The first phase is realizing that your voice matters. You can’t express an opinion, set a boundary, or say you are hurt, without first acknowledging who you are, how you feel and what you need. Too often, women have had negative reactions from others when they decide to share themselves. So instead of sharing, they shut down and say nothing. It feels safer this way. Unfortunately, this is settling for the long term discomfort of hiding, instead of the temporary discomfort of speaking up. We will never feel comfortable having to hide ourselves from others.

The second phase is self awareness. Knowing who you are is key having an authentic, empowered voice. The problem is we many times put our emotions and needs in a box, on the shelf. We push everything down in an effort to ignore the fact that we have something to say. There is no short cut to opening that box and dealing with the emotions. Take a hard look at the scars you have obtained throughout your life. Give those scars the attention they deserve; acknowledge them, heal them and then start asking what you want to be different in your life moving forward. Our past is a good teacher, but it does not have to define us. Looking at the tendencies and patterns in our lives enables us to track where they came from, and decide what we want to do about it. Then and only then will our voice feel clear to us.

The third phase is instilling confidence. So many of us know what we think, feel, want and need; but that’s where it stops. We stifle our voice for so many reasons:

1. To prove we are enough.
2. To show we aren’t too much.
3. To fake it till we make it.
4. To protect ourselves or someone else.
5. To convince ourselves that we can do it alone.
6. We don’t believe we deserve what we want.
7. We are fearful of the result.
8. We think they won’t care.
9. We are scared of failure.
10. We have to put everyone else’s needs before our own.

Let me be the first to tell you, YOUR VOICE MATTERS. It matters to you and to those who are in your life. We have a tendency to focus on the worst case scenario for any difficult discussion, but you won’t know if you don’t try. You cannot wish your feelings and needs away,S and you can only stifle them for so long until they come knocking at your door, or burst out of you with no warning. People cannot read your mind…

1. You cannot receive what you do not ask for.
2. Nothing will change until you voice there is an issue.
3. Healthy boundaries cannot be set if you are unwilling to talk through the hard stuff.
4. Most importantly, you cannot feel truly loved, or be wholly seen without your voice.

Honest conversations can be hard, but they can also be humanizing, authentic, exciting, provoking, convicting, and life changing. No one can rise to the occasion if you do not give them the chance.

The last phase is learning to be okay with the reactions of others. Just because you share your heart, doesn’t mean you will have a positive reaction. You are not responsible for others’ emotional states. Yes, you should always take ownership if you have hurt someone with your words, but make sure that you own your intentions, rather than apologizing for your voice. We can make mistakes with our voices. We all are in desperate need of grace. But please don’t leave your voice on mute for fear of how someone might respond; they may surprise you. Give people the opportunity see you. Not the “perfect” you, the “people pleasing” you, or the “fake it till you make it” you. THE REAL YOU. Who do you need to un-mute your voice for today?

Thanks for stopping by! Jen