Pitfalls That Disable You From Keeping Your Boundaries Strong

The Fallout After You Build Your Fence

Sometimes even after we set a healthy boundary, it does not feel good. Many times the new boundary is accompanied with pain, discomfort, doubt, fear and guilt. The pain and discomfort tempt us to open the gate to alleviate the pain. The doubt and fear cause our minds to spin and the loneliness to seep in. And the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt is the main reason we go back for more after we have already clearly said no. Even if the boundary is good for us, the guilt makes us question all of our virtues such as kindness, empathy and strength of character. Does this sound familiar?

This week is so packed, I don’t know how I’m even going to make it through, but my friend called and said she needs me. She usually “needs” me several times a week. I already told her how crazy this week is. She always seems to “need” me when I have nothing left to give. I told her I didn’t have time, and I would follow up with her next week- she was pissed. She called me a bad friend. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe I should have been available to her, it would have been less of a pain than dealing with the guilt I’m feeling.

Notice how this example is not a forever boundary. It’s a temporary lock on the gate so you can take care of your own needs, and in turn be available to your friend in the future. People who do not have good boundaries for themselves either expect you to also not have good boundaries, or they simply don’t recognize a boundary when they see one. Also, when people do not like boundaries, the number one emotion that emerges is anger. Anger is secondary to the hurt, rejection or the breech of expectation they may be feeling. Despite this, if you are setting a healthy boundary, you are not responsible for their emotions. There is a difference between saying “I’m sorry you are feeling hurt”, and “I’m sorry I hurt you”. Just like we cannot control others’ actions, we also cannot control others’ feelings. Unfortunately, people’s reactions to the boundaries we set are one of the main reasons for guilt and the questioning our own virtues. Does this sound familiar?

• If I was a good person, she wouldn’t be mad at me.
• If I had sympathy for him, then I would accept his apology for hitting me.
• If I was empathetic, I would try to understand why he cheated on me-then maybe I could give him a second chance.
• If I was a stronger person, I would just be able to deal with the fact that my supervisor expects me to work 13 days in a row.

Our desire to be a “good” person is important, but not at the cost of losing ourselves and becoming a completely different person for lack of boundaries. Not having boundaries, or staying strong in the boundaries you have set, slowly chips away at your dreams, desires, needs and virtues… not to mention it can cause, stress, anxiety, anger and depression.

The issue that arises from not being able to control other people, is even when we shut and lock the gate, we cannot keep people from knocking. Being strong enough not to answer the knock when we feel so many contrasting feelings takes a lot of courage and strength. It also takes support from others and a great deal of self-awareness. We all have things that will tempt us to open the gate, or even to leave the lock off the gate to simply see what happens. There is a difference though between accidentally leaving the lock off the gate and opening the gate. Either way, both scenarios are considered pitfalls- things that tempt you and make you stumble. The sooner you become aware of pitfalls, the more likely you will be able to hold your boundaries strong. Let’s talk about two different pitfall scenarios:

Oops, I left the lock off my gate!

This is referring to pitfalls that you may be unaware of.  Despite the lack of awareness, there tends to be patterns in our pitfalls-certain things provoke the same reaction in us each time. This is where the self-awareness element comes in-start noticing what makes you feel tempted. For instance, if you tend to leave the lock off of the gate the same time of night, people will learn it’s easier to get in. Lots of emotions can make us forget the lock isn’t on: loneliness, boredom, lack of worthiness, anger, anxiety- everyone’s trigger emotion is different and what comes through the gate when you leave the lock off is different too. What or who is coming through your gate? Alcohol, your ex, your friend that hurt you, pot, social media, your narcissistic mother, your absentee father?

You see, sometimes we can leave the lock off of our gate on accident- we didn’t know that when we felt lonely, we were triggered to contact our ex, or when we felt bored we were triggered to use the substance we cut from our lives. In other words, self awareness is key to being successful with our boundaries. We have to be aware of our emotions and how they can affect our strength of conviction; otherwise we make a decision that leaves us vulnerable without even knowing it was a weak spot for us.  It’s okay to mess up, just be aware of what leaving the lock off lets in, and how it makes you feel afterward.

Yeah, I opened the gate, so what?

This is referring to pitfalls that you knowingly engage in. When you open your gate you leave yourself vulnerable to things or people you have decided are not healthy for you. This is where you and you alone have responsibility. If you know that going to a bar tempts you to drink and you go anyway, YOU opened your gate. If you know reading your ex’s emails leads to you answering them, YOU opened your gate. If you know messing around with someone who doesn’t treat you well makes you feel terrible for days, YOU opened your gate. Can other people knock on your gate and tempt you? YES. But is it ultimately your responsibility to say NO- it is.

This is why it helps to have support from those who are “for you” when you set new boundaries. They can hold you accountable. Instead of reading your ex’s email to you, call your friend and process how receiving an email of any kind from your ex makes you feel. Instead of going to a bar, call a girlfriend or your sponsor and tell them you are feeling tempted. You cannot control other people or their emotions, but you do have to take ownership over your own actions and emotions. So what pitfalls do you need to avoid today?

Thanks for stopping by! Jen