Why Is Setting a Boundary So Hard?

Boundary is a word that can have a positive or negative connotation to most people depending on the context. A fence is a boundary that serves the purpose of keeping people out of your yard. In this case, the boundary is serving a positive purpose, but you may not be actively thinking about the purpose your fence serves on a daily basis until the boundary is broken by someone trying to come into your yard. So, what about those times when someone comes over your fence, sneaks through your gate, or breaks into your house. I would assume this intrusion and intentional lack of respect for your boundary might make you feel vulnerable, scared, violated and even angry because the boundary was clearly there for your safety, and the safety of those you love.

Emotional boundaries are unspoken fences around our hearts and minds that when violated can be detrimental to our ability to function, trust and love on a daily basis. There are healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries, both of which can affect us deeply. Most of the time, when we set boundaries, we are doing so because we believe they will protect us in some way. Sometimes they are set with a clear mind, while other times they are set as an act of desperation. How we set a boundary, when we set it, and why we set greatly affects how the boundary will serve us moving forward.

For instance, if someone broke into my home, because I did not have an exterior fence line, I would feel the need to set a new boundary for my safety. But what if out of fear, I went into my backyard the next day and started hacking down my own trees, to build a fence myself. The fence would not only be ineffective (because building a fence is not in my gifting) but I would also have lost my trees which bring me great joy. Out of my fear, I built a boundary in isolation that won’t protect me because it was not built from a place of strength or clarity, not to mention there are holes in it.

When we set new boundaries, it’s a lot like my lousy fence that was built from a place of weakness and fear. New boundaries are hard to set, and we cannot do it alone. Many times we end up hacking away at our own insides asking if it’s even okay to set a boundary. Because I attempted to build my new boundary alone, there was no one there to help me process the purpose of the boundary or plan for how to set the boundary, let alone how to keep that boundary solid. Those who want to get through your boundary will be looking for the holes in your fence, and the weakness of your disposition when you built it.

I also have no one to help me fix the holes and repairs that need to happen, as I try to keep my fence solid. A fence that has been snuck through before, is likely to be snuck through again. We all have strengths and weaknesses; virtues and pitfalls. People can and will use ALL of these to exploit you, get you to leave the lock off your gate and push through the boundary you built. Does this sound familiar?

• Maybe this time he will treat me with respect.
• Maybe this will be the last time my boss will ask me to stay late.
• Maybe if I have sex with him like he says, then he will stop cheating on me.
• Maybe if I work hard enough, my team will acknowledge me.
• Maybe if I trust my child this time, they won’t sneak out of the house.

A lot of the process that goes along with setting boundaries is rooted in guilt, worthiness and fear of isolation. Is it okay to set the boundary? What if setting this boundary ends the relationship? What if I’m alone after I set this boundary? What if setting this boundary makes me lose my job? What if setting this boundary makes my kid mad at me? What if setting this boundary means my work team doesn’t like me anymore?

There are other types of fences still. What about those fences we have built so high that no one can get in and we can’t get out. We have isolated ourselves to the fullest, and the negative effect is that while you have maintained the false ideation that no bad things can hurt you, no love or joy can get in either. We have to be vulnerable and seize the opportunity to speak our truth by saying what we need and want. Having a fence built too high does not allow you the opportunity to share yourself with others, or for others to share themselves with you. Does this sound familiar?

• I’m so lonely, I want to call someone to hang out with me, but what if they say no?
• My Dad just died. An old friend offered to bring me dinner, but I said no. I can’t let her see me like this.
• I just had a baby. I’m crying everyday because this is harder than I could have ever imagined. I know ___________ understands, she told me so when she had her baby a few years ago. I can’t call her though, she probably doesn’t remember now.

We build tall fences because we have come to believe in two main untruths. One, that if we let someone truly see us, they won’t want us; and two, that we are unworthy of being loved well. Everyone gets scared to open their gate for those who want to be a part of their lives. This fear produces uncertainty and even more questions. No one has knocked on my gate for the longest time because I always ignore the knock; why say yes this time? It’s safer with my gate closed; why would I open it? What if unlocking my gate allows someone in who burns my fence down; a fence I’ve worked so hard to build and can’t imagine having to build again?

Boundaries are there to keep out the bad, not to keep out the good. The problem is we don’t just have trouble setting boundaries with others, we also struggle to set healthy boundaries for ourselves. We have to learn to choose when and why to have the lock on or off the gate. Once people learn what you will put the lock on the gate for, they are more likely to treat you the way you deserve and desire to be treated. No matter how many times we mess up our boundaries, there is always healing inside your fences when you allow the right people through your gate to love on you.

Remember, you and you alone have control over your feelings and your boundaries. What you allow, is what will continue. And the good news is, if you give someone a chance too many times, you can always close your gate and put the lock on. Stay up on the blog to learn more about how to set healthy boundaries, with others and with yourself.

Thanks for stopping by! Jen